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The Two-Planet Solution

The State of Israel shocked the world Thursday when it revealed that its entire population had been resettled on the surface of Mars. Israeli leaders called the massive and secret undertaking Shniyah Shemot, or "The Second Exodus," a reference to the departure of the Jews from slavery in ancient Egypt. The undertaking was timed to coincide with the Purim celebration on Earth that began Wednesday evening. The revelation stunned the world's political leadership and upended the equilibrium of international relations. The United Nations Security Council floated an emergency resolution to condemn Israel's departure from Earth as "an interstellar act of aggression" designed to "steal the future from the Palestinian People." The US and Germany vetoed the measure. In a statement beamed to Earth, Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu said: "Mars is a hostile and deadly environment, but we haven't found any Martians who want to kill us because we practice a different religion—so that's a real bonus for us." The Israeli settlement is located at Arsia Mons, the site of an extinct volcano. The Israelis renamed the Martian surface "Zion." The landing site is being called New Jerusalem, which created an outpouring of anger across the Middle East, Eastern and Western Europe and among the far left in the United States. "Jerusalem belongs to the Palestinian people, here, on Mars -- everywhere," said Abbas Haniyeh, the leader of PIH, the Hamas & ISIS Party in Palestine. "The Zionists steal our lands on Earth and then steal our lands on other planets, but we will fight them wherever they go. We will crush them with asteroids!" Right-leaning American Jews were said to be overjoyed with the operation. "Next year on Mars!" tweeted one prominent Republican Jewish CEO. Arab and Muslim leaders seethed in anger at the sudden disappearance of their long-standing enemy. "We didn't become a state to live alongside the Jews. We became a state so we could push them all into the sea," Walid Jafar, the acting Prime Minister of Palestine, told Reuters. "They deprived the Muslim world of a happy ending." However, many moderate Muslim clerics and Arab intellectuals sent good wishes to the Israeli settlers and denounced the stream of angry rhetoric. "May Allah grant good luck, prosperity and abundant water to our Jewish cousins," said Sheikh Ahmad al-Adwan of Jordan. "Who doesn't want to live somewhere with peace?" Anti-Israel organizations seemed unprepared to accept the new reality. Sweden, Belgium, Denmark, Britain's Labour Party and the University of California BDS movement condemned the exodus as "a continuation of the apartheid oppression." The group issued a statement that deplored the "intolerable second-planet status" of the Palestinian people and called for immediate missions to Mars to "reclaim newly occupied Palestinian territories," including "East New Jerusalem" and the "West Bank of Zion."

The leader of Iran's Revolutionary Guard announced that without Israeli or European Jews to physically attack, the state's proxy terror groups, such as Hizbullah and Islamic Jihad, would now harass and attack Christians with Jewish-sounding surnames, people who eat in kosher delis and anyone who listens to Barbra Streisand. The United Nations was thrown into institutional chaos. A Wall Street Journal review of UN activity dating to 2008 showed that 43% of all resolutions debated within the body were dedicated to denouncing or penalizing Israel. "Without Israel, the UN will have no one left to blame for anything," said a source at the US State Department. "The entire body will have no day-to-day agenda." A source in Saudi intelligence said that about 100 non-aligned countries in the UN were frantically studying small, politically weak nations like Costa Rica, Andorra and Lichtenstein that could act as replacement global scapegoats. America's evangelical Christians, among Israel's most steadfast supporters, were devastated by the news. Thousands of churchgoers across the Midwest and South wept openly in their congregations. Many evangelicals believe that "The Rapture" -- the appearance of the Messiah and the end of days -- will be instigated by a war between Israel and its enemies. That possibility now looks increasingly unlikely, said, top Christian theologians.

Israel, US Intercept Long-Range Missiles during Joint Drill

By Israel Hayom
Israel and the U.S. have successfully intercepted a series of medium to long-range ballistic missiles in a joint drill. The missile test in southern Israel was conducted Tuesday by the Defense Ministry along with the U.S. Missile Defense Agency and Rafael, an Israeli defense technology company. Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu lauded the tests, noting that Israel has earned a place "among global leaders" in the development of missile defenses. The test follows a temporary U.S. troop deployment in Israel during the installment of an advanced American missile defense system earlier this month. The countries' close military cooperation against the backdrop of tensions with Iran and its Lebanese proxy Hizbullah reflects their shared concerns about Iran's development of long-range missiles. A senior U.S. arms control official said on Tuesday that Iran's missile program is destabilizing the Middle East and raising the risk of a "regional arms race" through the provision of such weapons to armed groups in Lebanon and Yemen. The U.S. has accused Iran of defying a U.N. Security Council resolution by carrying out a ballistic missile test and two satellite launches since December. "Iran's missile program is a key contributor to increased tensions and destabilization in the region, increasing the risk of a regional arms race," Yleem Poblete, assistant secretary of state for arms control, verification and compliance, said in a speech to the U.N.-sponsored Conference on Disarmament.

"Iran must immediately cease activities related to ballistic missiles designed to be capable of delivering nuclear weapons, and halt the proliferation of missiles and missile technology to terror groups and other non-state actors," she said, denouncing Iran's support to the Houthi movement in Yemen and Hizbullah in Lebanon.

False Alarm on Netanyahu Bringing Pollard Home to Israel

By the Jerusalem Post
Channel 12 raised expectations on Wednesday that Israeli spy Jonathan Pollard could be brought home to Israel by Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu, who is meeting in Washington next week with President Donald Trump. The channel reported that Pollard and his wife Esther were seen in the same building as the Israeli consulate in New York that grants passports on Friday and Monday. But Pollard's rabbi, executive vice-president emeritus of the National Council of Young Israel Rabbi Pesach Lerner, said Pollard went to the building on Monday because his doctor has an office there and that he was not there on Friday. Pollard needs special permission to go to the doctor because the consulate is in the building. Lerner said that if Pollard went to the floor of the consulate, the authorities would know because of the GPS he is forced to wear, and they would arrest him. Despite serving 30 years in prison, Pollard's life sentence is not complete, and while he is on parole, he is forced to remain in New York. Trump has the authority to commute Pollard's sentence to time served and allow him to move to Israel. Such a move could help the electoral prospects of Netanyahu, who is close to Trump.

Book Claims Trump was `Baffled' by Ivanka's Conversion to Judaism

By the Jerusalem Post
Both the Trumps and the Kushners were originally less than enthused by the relationship between Jared and Ivanka, a new book claims. Vicky Ward, the author of the just-released Kushner, Inc.: Greed. Ambition. Corruption. The Extraordinary Story of Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump delves deep into the personal lives of the famous couple. In the book, released on Tuesday, Ward writes that President Donald Trump was "baffled by his daughter's conversion" to Judaism before her wedding to Kushner. "Why should my daughter convert to marry anyone?" Ward quoted Trump as saying to an associate. She noted that at the wedding itself, Trump was shocked by some of the religious content, including women given shawls to cover their shoulders and gender-separated dancing. Later in the book, Ward claims that Trump was "reluctant" to accept Ivanka's conversion, but eventually did so. Ward wrote that Jared's parents, Charles and Seryl, were extremely unhappy by the match when Jared and Ivanka first started dating in 2007, after meeting at the Prime Grill kosher restaurant in Manhattan. "Jared's parents were horrified by the match," Ward wrote. "Seryl and Charlie were dismayed at the idea of their son marrying outside the faith... Charlie and Seryl refused even to meet Ivanka," and were a large factor in their three-month breakup. But Ivanka eventually agreed to convert to Judaism, and did so via an Orthodox rabbi, on Charlie Kushner's terms. "Charlie wanted to test Ivanka's devotion to his son and her future life," Ward quoted a family friend as saying. "So he made her conversion as challenging as possible." Throughout Kushner, Inc., the couple's religious observance is noted as playing a significant role in their lives and work. When the scandal over Trump's tweet featuring a Star of David against a backdrop of money broke out, Kushner "was offline for Shabbat." The day the infamous Access Hollywood video of Trump bragging about grabbing women "by the pussy" came out, "Ivanka and Kushner, unusually, did not go home to celebrate Shabbat," Ward wrote. And the following day, the couple "climbed multiple flights of stairs in their sweats – thereby adhering to the rule that states you must not operate electrical devices, elevators included, during Shabbat – to be with the team." Ward also quoted a source saying that Ivanka and Jared were often of limited use on the campaign trail. "Every Friday night, people were calling Jared as the sun was going down... `What about this, what about that?'" Ward wrote. "And Jared was very good about going down, not being in contact [during Shabbat], and it was frustrating for us because if you didn't get an answer by sundown, you were just in a holding pattern for 24 hours."

The Face of Moses Found in Matzah

By Judy Izm
Jonathan Kugelstein opened up a box of Manischewitz's finest matzah on March 11 and imagined the surprise he received: The face of Moses was staring back at him on the matzah sheet. "At first I thought it was just a trick of the light, but those little dark spots were telling me something," said Kugelstein, of Merion. "Then my girlfriend Taylor, who was also in the kitchen, dropped her glass of Tang and shouted, `OMG, it's Charlton Heston.'" Not knowing what to do next, Kugelstein called the Good Day Philadelphia team at Fox29, which immediately set up a live broadcast that aired for the next 24 hours, pre-empting the usual mind-numbing content that's the channel's specialty. Kugelstein enjoyed his 15 minutes of fame, particularly when Fox 29 reporter Jennaphr Frederick interviewed him live on air. "I'm a little shy, but she ultimately coaxed me to dance with the matzah while singing `Matzah Man' to the tune of `Macho Man,'" he laughed. "You only live once." Kugelstein had planned to send the matzah for scientific testing, but the unleavened bread met a tragic fate. "I left it on the counter and my roommate, who had been out of town, came home and fried it up," Kugelstein said. "He later told me Moses was delicious."

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