Newsletter : 7fax0302.txt
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Israel Orders West Bank, Gaza Closures During Purim Holiday
By VOA News
Israel's defense minister, Amir Peretz, ordered the closure to guard against possible
terrorist attacks during the Jewish holiday of Purim, which begins on Saturday. It will
last until midnight Monday, when Purim ends. Palestinians are banned from entering Israel
during that period, except for special humanitarian cases.
Ahmadinejad: US, Israel Responsible for All Wars Today
Days after a U.S. announcement that it seeks a "neighbors meeting" with Iran and Syria
on bringing peace to Iraq, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has blamed Israel and the
US for all the world's wars.
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice announced the initiative, saying, "We hope that all
governments seize this opportunity to improve their relations with Iraq and to work for
peace and stability in the region."
The meeting represents an adoption of the recommendations of the Baker-Hamilton Report.
Rice said that US and Iraqi officials agree that the future of Iraq "requires the positive
support of Iraq's neighbors," adding that the meeting would take place in mid-March
(Editor: Ides of March?).
Following the announcement, Ahmadinejad said Thursday that Israel and the US stand
behind every single armed conflict happening anywhere in the world.
Speaking to government officials and university heads in Sudan, Ahmadinejad said,
"There is no place in the world that suffers from divisions and wars unless America or the
Zionists' fingerprints are seen there. Our strength and the cornerstone of the victory is
in our [Muslims'] unity...we have to pay attention to the devils who want to cause
divisions among us."
Did Jefferson have Jewish Ancestor?
Israel Faxx News Services
Thomas Jefferson may have had a Jewish ancestor, a new genetic study suggests.
The New York Times reported Wednesday that researchers studying the third U.S.
president's Y chromosome found it belongs to a lineage that is rare in Europe but common
in the Middle East, raising the possibility that he had a Jewish ancestor many generations
ago. Geneticists at the University of Leicester in England are now studying K2, the rare
branch or lineage to which Jefferson's Y chromosome belongs, they wrote in The American
Journal of Physical Anthropology.
Each Y chromosome falls on branches of a single tree descended from one man in the
ancestral human population. No biological samples of Jefferson remain, but descendants of
his paternal uncle had given cells to researchers trying to ascertain whether Jefferson
fathered children with his slave Sally Hemming.
2300-Year-Old Persian Newspaper Recently Discovered
The Shushan Times
After years of warfare King Achashverosh declared victory in the war on terror. Wearing
his old Zoroastrian Guard uniform he drove his chariot out to greet the returning troops
proclaiming, "Mission Accomplished," and stating emphatically, "Our nation will not be
intimidated by Phoenician extremists."
Operation Peace for Persia has brought calm to the world and expanded Achashverosh's
rule to 127 provinces from Africa to the Middle East to Asia. The King said, "We have
fought hard and defeated an axis of evil nations, so that we can now live free, under my
And the king has announced he was divorcing Queen Vashti Fedeloush citing
irreconcilable differences. Queen Vashti was not available for comment and sources close
to Achashverosh say that she totally lost her head.
Royal watchers noted that the King and Queen had not been seen in public together in
several days and in particular, that Vashti did not attend the "Mission Accomplished"
party. A friend of the Queen said she was stunned and shocked, "I can't believe he dumped
V-Fed by text message -- a papyrus text."
Miss Shushan, Esther Hadassah, beat out 127 other beautiful women to become Miss Persia
2007 and the new wife of King Achashverosh. Brushing back tears, Esther said, "I have
watched the Miss Persia contest since I was a little girl and it has always been my dream
to wear that beautiful crown."
When asked about the upcoming wedding, King Achashverosh said, "I know people think
this is very rushed but I love her, I love her, I love her," and proceeded to jump up and
down on his couch. Miss Shushan will succeed last year's winner, Miss Hodu, whose reign
was marked with scandal after checking into rehab for a Frankincense abuse problem.
Bigtan and Teresh, two palace guards were arrested recently on charges of treason for
plotting to assassinate King Achashverosh. The scheme was uncovered by Mordechai Ben Yair
who overheard the conspiracy while sitting in the King's gate. CSI teams from Miandoab,
Langaroud, and New Najafabad all corroborated the report and Bigtan and Teresh are
expected to be immediately hanged.
In a move to shake up the palace cabinet and reinvigorate his domestic policies, King
Achashverosh tapped Haman to be his new Viceroy. Haman is credited with engineering the
successful Achashverosh "Compassionate Conservative King" campaign across the kingdom.
In the wake of King's Gate-gate, Achashverosh has placed Haman in charge of homeland
security, the defense department and national security. Royal watchers fear that the
promotion and power has already gone to Haman's head. Reports from the King's gate say
that he tried to force Mordechai Ben Yair to audition for the hit series "Persian Idol,"
which requires contestants to bow down to the show's only judge -- Haman. When Mordechai
refused, Haman shouted, "Do you have any idea who I am?! You are never going to work in
this town again!"
Reports of a national lottery had people throughout the empire wondering if the now
defunct Baharestan Bingo, Jackpot in Javanroud, or PowerBall would be resurrected.
However, palace sources report that Haman's lottery is not a sweepstakes but a system for
instituting his plan to kill all of the Jews.
Haman's media spokesman Borat Sagdiyev said, "I am wanting to use the Jewish as the
ping pong balls in lottery but they will be not cooperate. So we choose 13th of Adar and
we will killing them."
Haman has ordered the Homeland Security Department to begin preparations by having
gallows built in every town square. Jews reacted to the news initially with shock but then
began a hunger strike protest at the King's gate. One of the group's leaders, Mordechai
Beni Yair, ripped his garments, put on sackcloth and ash and said, "Can't we all just get
King Achashverosh announced that he was launching a new reality show called King for a
Day. "The other night I could not sleep and was reminded of King's Gate-gate. Mordechai
Ben Yair performed a brave and heroic act that deserves to be rewarded and honored.
Mordechai, come on down, you're the winner of King for Day!"
The honor includes a parade around the city square wearing the King's royal robe,
riding the King's horse, and wearing a royal crown while being led by a noble officer.
"Wow, at first I thought I must be hallucinating from the hunger strike," said Mordechai
in an interview with Rajoudi Reality TV news. "I thought, this couldn't be happening in
The Real World. But what can I say -- I'm experiencing an Amazing Race of emotions. I've
gone from The Biggest Loser marked for death to The Survivor who is King for a Day.
Producers of the show have cast Haman to lead Mordechai through the streets, as they
feel the dramatic technique will increase viewership -- which is carefully being
scrutinized during sweeps week.
And in a startling turn of events King Achashverosh announced that he has fired Haman
and sentenced him, his family and his dog to death. Palace sources report that at a dinner
party last night Queen Esther outed herself as a Jew and explained to the King that Haman
sentenced her to death.
Achashverosh ordered Haman to hang from the gallows and promoted Mordechai Ben Yair to
Viceroy. In a press conference following the proclamation Mordechai said, "I want to thank
the Academy, King Achashverosh, Queen Esther and most of all God for his support in seeing
us through this dark time."
As news of Haman's firing and impending death spread, Jews began celebrating in the
street, handing money out to poor people, exchange sweet treats and eating triangle
cookies with filling. Rumor has it that there are plans to make this an annual
(Author Biography: Isidore Rappoport is a freelance writer living in New York. He also
owns a smoothie stand on 92nd and Broadway.)
(All material on these web pages is © 2001-2012
by Electronic World Communications, Inc.)